SMOKING MONKEY LOUNGE

Monday, November 14, 2005

The walls quivered under the unmistakable; hypnotic vibe of an intense techno bass line calling for your soul as a voice abruptly breaks the barrier of electronic sound with a ungodly scream of "Mortal Kombat!" The theatre would never be the same that chilly November day in '95 as my fellow elementary school friends and I braced ourselves for the opening day of the movie adaption to the legendary, spine ripping, fatality filled, Mortal Kombat series.

Now in the dawn of our new century Mortal Kombat will grace the golden screen once again. The 3rd installment will be entitled DEVASTATION! They will be ignoring the horrid 2nd movie, Mortal Kombat: Annihlation and bringing back all the old favorites with the correct actors from the first flick. Though the director for this new film is only credited for making two other motion pictures, neither of which are very good movies. They are still action flicks and I guess that's all that really counts when you're making a movie about ninjas and demons that go around fighting each other for souls. Though the film is still in pre-production, it claims on IMDB that this little gem will be released within the year. Either way, if you're a video game fanatic, it's a movie to put on the list, based solely on nostalgia purposes.

More good news comes in the form of Mortal Kombat as they put out a new game, Mortal Kombat: Armageddon for the PS2 and X-Box this year. It looks like we might actually have a Mortal Kombat game that won't suck for the first time in seven years and this is not an assumption based on the hardcore title . The game will be sporting every character ever manifested within the strange world of Mortal Kombat, which is bad news for Sub Zero seeing as he'll be the only character in the game sharing his powers with his pussy, feminist apprentice, Frost. Why didn't game developers at Midway think of this really obvious idea years ago? I dont know. Why does Kano have an extra amount of chest hair in the Armageddon family portrait? I do not hold the answers to these questions. I am but a simple game playing peon putting my thoughts on the table for you to eat.

-Brandon

- 8:19 PM -

Monday, October 24, 2005

Superman games over the years have never been real well...super, but EA and Tiburon thought they would take over the whip and take a shot at beating the dead and mutilated horse for a while.

Superman himself is no real gem, he possesses every power DC could come up with on the spot, his weakness is his own home planet(what?), his disguise is a pair of glasses, his disguise is a pair of glasses, his fucking disguise is a pair of glasses! The man wears blue tights with his bright red underwear on the outside. You'll never catch Captain America in his underwear, he'll kick your peeping tom ass. Superman is the joke of all superheroes, he has no side kick because no one wants to get pounded by a man with super strength and speed every night. He is the epitome of the superhero who tried too hard to be super.

Gameinformer poses an amusing concern questioning whether Tiburon can create "the first cool game starring the Man of Steel." I don't care how realistic you make his super bulge look in his super tights, Superman will still be a bad game, there is a curse well deserved on those games. Unless I can see through women's clothing, I will not even bother to rent this abomination made after an excuse for a comic book hero. The exectutive producer of Superman Returns, Chris Gray thought he'd put his two cents in on the game commenting that "Everything in the game should be something heroic and challenging to a degree that only Superman could defeat it. If it's something that Spider-Man can do, or Batman, or even the Incredible Hulk, it's probably not big enough for Superman." Oh no you didn't. Not only did you diss two amazing Marvel characters you put down the only good DC one. You my friend are on the list. What list you might ask? The shit list my dear Chris. With your arrogant words you have roused the very minions of El Diablo. You have angered the Marvel fans and you wouldn't like us when we're angry. I want blood! I want the sacrificial killing of Chris Gray to please the Marvel gods!

Superman Returns is a joke. It will gain alot of hype because it follows the new Superman movie coming out next year and it's on a next gen console. As far as the Superman games being reborn? Yea sure, if you mean eating your own shit and digesting it again, you're right on the money. You weren't good on the Atari 2600 and you'll suck on the Xbox 360.

-Brandon

- 2:12 PM -

Thursday, October 20, 2005

If there is one sole power in this universe that can lift my spirits from the deepest levels of hell when I'm feeling my lowest (besides my girlfriend ofcourse) it is a senior citizen that resides in Cleveland, Ohio. Old Grandma Hardcore a.k.a Barbara St. Hilaire and her grandson Tim's blog cannot be described in any better words than fucking hilarious. The 69 year old gamer guru has been playing video games since 1975 and that only gives myself hope as a gamer that someday far from now I will be zipping up my virtua suit in my wheelchair and jumping into the gaming world.

The blog hosted by Tim, has a number of videos that open a window to the St. Hilaire household which seems to be filled with lots of gaming and loads of obscenities mainly from grandma's room, which is what the blog is all about. The blog itself chronicles the day to day struggles of grandma in the gaming world. If you can't laugh at an old lady cussing like a sailor at the T.V. then you have no heart. Check it out, I promise it's worth a glance even if you have no interest in the gaming world what so ever.

Http://oghc.blogspot.com

-Brandon

- 12:27 PM -

Sunday, October 09, 2005

I though it was all over. I thought maybe I could get a descent night's sleep...but no...now they haunt me in my dreams. You have been banned from this forum. You have been banned from this forum. YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THIS FORUM! I can't escape their torturing words. Who knew the Penny Arcade moderators had so much power over me that they could enter my dreams and torture my every thought. It's sad, I was actually excited when I recieved a letter saying:

Dear Brandon,
We are terribly sorry, we misused the great powers bestowed upon us by the gods and exercised poor judgement to block you from a life of luxury in our home. Let me grant you access through our pearly gates and may you forgive our evil doings towards the almighty Brandon.

-Moderator

The first hint that should have revealed that this was a dream was the fact that Penny Arcade was writing back to me. Even upon awakening in a cold sweat, I still wasnt convinced. I actually checked my e-mail. You have ruined my life Penny Arcade...I hope kitty-cat man keeps you company in hell.

P.S. - Please unblock me! Thanks!

-Brandon

- 7:18 AM -

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Dear Blizzard Staff,
I understand you are busy keeping your fans unsatisfied and aging with the arrival of any sequel to anything you've made. But it'd be really awesome if you could maybe make a movie too while we wait for an actual sequel to any of your games which will probably be set to launch in 2050 but will be pushed back to 3050. Preferrably a Starcraft movie because Raynor kicks ass. You could probably ressurect James Dean from the dead to play the role of Jim Raynor.

After you've used the voodoo arts to ensure the casting of Dean as Raynor you can write the screenplay. The production cost will be around five billion dollars because you'll be needing computer generated Zerg, Protoss, ships, planets, environments, and exploding ursadons. But don't worry, you'll make double that back if you add a nude scene with Sarah Kerrigan. Don't get a great actress to play her, just somone hot, because no one really likes Kerrigan. I don't have to tell you this, because you figured it out half way through production and let the Zerg eat her. Then she was just annoying with a new voice and crazy spikey dreads. She doesn't really even have to be a black actress, just someone of a different ethnicity other than white, like Jessica Alba. What would be a really great twist is if you had the nude scene after she was turned into a Zerg. The rest of the cast don't really matter because they either die, suck, or will be computer generated. You should probably get Robin Williams to do Zerg noises for you so you can save money and time on figuring out how to create them with slinkies and jello. That is all the wisdom I can bestow upon you Blizzard, if you don't follow my instructions exactly the movie will flop.

-Brandon

- 8:05 PM -

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Gabe and Tycho are the long time overmind to the swarm of geeks and gamers who religiously read their God-like comic strips. Their jokes are brought on by the very Muses of Zeus himself and if you do not laugh instantly upon reading, you will spontaneously explode. So needless to say I am a fan of their work.

Recently I joined their forums to promote my site on a post in the Writer's Block forum about showing off your work. It was a great excuse to shamelessy place a link to my site on their very popular forum. Upon further investigation of their forums I was starting to become addicted, they had many aspects to it that I really loved.

I eventually came across a forum to put random links on. I skimmed over the rules and it was mostly about repetition of old links, don't do drugs, etc. Well seeing how my site was a day old and I'm out of heroine, I had no fears of breaking the rules by promoting my blog. So I posted my blog and no more than a few seconds later some kid posts telling me that "site whoring is not allowed." and then goes on to add "Bad kitty. *water bottle squirt*" Not only does this guy have a fetish for finding forum rule benders, he also likes to role play like they're kittens. What a sick puppy...or kitty...whatever.

Knowing that if I don't comply he may try to kill me with an overdose of cat nip, I comply and tell the Admin to delete my post. I think nothing more of the incident and start my crusade for sleep. The next morning I wake up to find I am banned from the forums. So I wrote an e-mail to Gabe:

Dear Gabe,
I would write the letter to both of you responsible for making me piss my pants over the past few years, but I guess you do not have a joint e-mail or joint heads so I'll be forced to write to one. Recently I joined your forums and started posting on the writer's block forum frequently through out the day, I got addicted to it like crack. But like drugs I wanted to experiment with others so I checked out the index, found the forum about links and slapped up my vein for the needle. But I was very wrong in my judgement on this forum, I thought you could put up ANY link that hasn't been repeated a thousand times like it said. But apparently you can't put up your own and that's exactly what I did. I found this out five seconds after I put up my post when I get three guys telling me I can't do this and it's apparently called "site whoring". Well I'm no pimp and my site is very new and I want it to get attention but if that means I have to put it on the streets to give hand jobs for crack then I'll pass. Needless to say I complied by editing the original post and telling the admin to delete my horrible and outrageous post. I complied with what they wanted me to do...so why to my surprise when I get on the next day am I banned? Obi Wan KaGabey you're my only hope...

-Brandon That Journalist Guy

It's been a day and no response, which is no surprise. I'm sure my letter will go unanswered and I will be banned from the forums for a week or two longer because some tight ass thinks he is king of the forums. You sure showed me kitty-cat man, you win this round.

-Brandon

- 6:22 PM -

Saturday, October 01, 2005

OMG! LOL! ADN I'm going to boot my computer out the window and go AFK forever because internet lingo has made me lose faith in all humanity. In the beginning, internet lingo was a respectable way to take frequently used phrases such as, "No Problem!" and shorten it to a simple, "NP!" to save time. Everyone was happy and the world was right…for the time being. Eventually people started to abuse this great power of shortening phrases and would shorten whole sentences like, "Thank goodness it's Friday!" to a confusing jumble of letters known as, "TGIF!" I know moving you’re finger another few inches for maybe 3 more seconds is hard labor but you’re making babies cry with this kind of laziness.

The biggest supporters for these kind of demonic habits would have to be chat programs, some of the most popular fuels for destruction are: America Online Instant Messenger (AIM), ICQ, MSN, and Yahoo IM. These are all ironically abbreviated in this article because I’ve actually never heard the unabbreviated version of some of these programs.

With the world plummeting into grammatical chaos I didn’t think it could get any worse until one day in school someone did the unthinkable. In a confused response to an unsuspecting victim's remark, I heard a human being in real life say, "WTF man?!" They literally spelled out the letters and did so with such disregard for the fact that they were a complete moron. I looked around the room for someone else who heard this slaughter of the English language, someone who I could look at with eyes that said "This is it…this is the end of the world." But I was alone, no one but I found this out of the ordinary in the class. Whoever thought it would be a neat idea to take internet lingo out of the internet world will be hunted down. I will thrust their head into a sack of stinging chili peppers, tie it securely around their neck and leave them in the boiling hot sun. Maybe that's a little harsh but at the end of the day internet lingo was an innocent little convenience that got out of hand. If only we could all learn to use it when necessary, but that's not going to happen. So until the day you start seeing internet lingo in newsletters I will refrain from using Burma torture methods. TTYL! Teehee!

-Brandon

- 6:15 AM -